To be honest, sometimes we get pretty burnt out on following current events. That is, until we stumbled across these brilliantly vandalized versions of bland news items, created by Onion writer Sascha Stanton-Craven. Now we're completely enthralled. What happens next? Will Newtzilla climb to the top of the Washington Monument? Be attacked by a fleet of Mitt Romney's private jets? Check out more of Stanton-Craven's bizarre bulletins below.