"Sorry, sir, we can only help you if we're 51% sure you're masturbating to a foreigner."

This redditor may really be onto something. While using the National Security Agency to find a specific video that just hit all your turn-ons seems excessive, think about all the implications this brings. We now have a massive database of information that could help millions of Americans masturbate better. We know, for example, who went where and how long they were there for. Therefore, we can start to establish patterns, like "what genre of porn brings people to a finish the fastest?" "Which sites did people spend the longest on, perhaps due to their inclusion of story elements in the porn?" and finally "is anyone masturbating to terrorists?" 


Protecting us is great, but if you want the American people to be cool with massive eavesdropping, try contributing just 1/8th as much as Google has to the realm of self-pleasure. We will let Google get away with anything because it finds exactly the weird thing we're thinking of but can't tell anyone else out loud.

Sources: Redditor NSAthrowaway123456