I'd like to thank all the sheeple watching the Oscars for letting me feel superior tonight.
Who will take home the Golden Smug?
Another year, another barrage of faux-intellectuals, crusaders, and grumps clogging up our feeds and making everyone feel bad for tuning in to one of America's greatest mass distractions. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of reasons to take a stand against the Oscars. If you're a sincere objector, I raise my glass to you in between playing an Oscar drinking game, because you make the world a better place. We all know, however, that most of the people who go online during the Oscars to say they're not watching them are just doing it for attention. This year, let's honor the best of the unbearable poseurs with the first annual Too Good To Watch The Oscars Awards!
Best Imitation Of A Hermit Monk Who Happens To Be On Facebook
"Just a reminder to all my friends on Facebook that Hollywood millionaires congratulating each other does nothing to bring you closer to transcendental bliss, reduce ocean plastic or increase female workforce participation in India. Check out this article I wrote for Thought Catalog about it and please be sure to share!"
Best Confusing Political Attack On A Movie Awards Show
"To everyone mad at Scott Walker for saying he's "not sure" if Obummer loves America or is Christian—I know that anyone watching the Oscars hates America and our troops!!!!! #blessed #AmericanSniper