At the end of last year, I decided I needed to lose weight.


My twin babies had become twin toddlers and we were all sleeping a lot more consistently. I could no longer justify ordering pizza three times a week because I was afraid I would fall asleep on the hot stove while cooking. I had time to wake up and make my lunch, instead of spending the first half of my work day fretting over whether I was going to run over to Wendy's or McDonald's for lunch before ultimately deciding to go to both.

After doing the least amount of research possible, I decided that the Paleo diet was what I was looking for. I Amazon Primed the three cheapest books I could find on the subject.

I immediately started telling everyone about my new lifestyle choice, thinking that I would either be: a) more successful if I knew I would disappoint everyone by failing, or b) able to go on the most epic junk food binge of my life fueled by the knowledge that I had let everyone down. The one unexpected flaw in my plan is that I opened myself up to a barrage of annoying thoughts and opinions from all the dumb people in my life.

1. "Why are you doing that?"

This is the first question anybody on a diet gets asked, and its intention is all over the place. Best case scenario, you're being asked by a dipshit new-agey hippie who is really trying to say, "You don't have to lose weight cause we're all beautiful creatures, and it's what's inside that counts, groovy baby." Nice thought. But what's inside is a heart that is pumping double-time to carry the extra person that I've become over the last 10 years. So yes, inner beauty is great, but most of the fat I'm trying to lose is also on the inside.