We are casting our vote for this being the most insufferable and excruciating election we've ever experienced. This was like the Transformers of elections, except instead of spending disgusting amounts of money on explosions, we got a ceaseless barrage of crappy attack ads, and we never even got to see Romney turn back into a car. The only suspenseful moment was when we were all wondering if Obama was going to stay awake long enough to try and win a second term, and, of course, whether Joe Biden would say something unaplogetically offensive (at least he delivered). 

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Therefore, in lieu of supporting either candidate's performance during this campaign, we officially endorse the end of this election, and we make our endorsement based on five issues we feel are very important to the exhausted electorate as a whole:

 

Issue #1: The end of our emotions being controlled entirely by polls we could never possibly understand.


Is it a polling result, a heart rate monitor, or a crappy drawing of a really long slug?

The end of this election means an end to figuring out how "registered voters" are different than "likely voters," and whether those are both different from the "naughty voters" who keep posting Craigslist ads asking people to punish them for their filthy, oiled up partisanship. We're sick of our emotions being controlled by each day's poll direction and we'd like to go back to controlling them with pills and alcohol like a normal American.

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