We are casting our vote for this being the most insufferable and excruciating election we've ever experienced. This was like the Transformers of elections, except instead of spending disgusting amounts of money on explosions, we got a ceaseless barrage of crappy attack ads, and we never even got to see Romney turn back into a car. The only suspenseful moment was when we were all wondering if Obama was going to stay awake long enough to try and win a second term, and, of course, whether Joe Biden would say something unaplogetically offensive (at least he delivered).
Therefore, in lieu of supporting either candidate's performance during this campaign, we officially endorse the end of this election, and we make our endorsement based on five issues we feel are very important to the exhausted electorate as a whole:
Issue #1: The end of our emotions being controlled entirely by polls we could never possibly understand.
Is it a polling result, a heart rate monitor, or a crappy drawing of a really long slug?
The end of this election means an end to figuring out how "registered voters" are different than "likely voters," and whether those are both different from the "naughty voters" who keep posting Craigslist ads asking people to punish them for their filthy, oiled up partisanship. We're sick of our emotions being controlled by each day's poll direction and we'd like to go back to controlling them with pills and alcohol like a normal American.
Issue #2: The end of giving the slightest crap whether has-been trolls like Donald Trump and Chuck Woolery live or die.
I get all my political analysis from a former game show host and a weird scarecrow who owns hotels somehow.
There's apparently a new stage to being famous that involves trying to remain remotely relevant by being a dick on Twitter, and this election Donald Trump and Chuck Woolery became the cautionary tales who showed all the other has-beens how it's done. We'd rather hang out with an entire rally of tea partiers than spend five minutes with either of these shipwrecks. At least actual tea partiers believe in what they're frothing at the mouth about, and they're old enough to tell us stories about WWII and stuff. Starting November 7th, we look forward to never hearing from Trump or Woolery again unless Trump Taj Mahal goes into receivership or TV Land runs a rerun of Love Connection.
Issue #3: The end of listening to people fight over slightly-better-than-awful healthcare.
We just want someone to look at this mole on our shoulder. It started humming last night!
This election saw half of the country demanding repeal of Obamacare because it made our abysmal, unconscionable healthcare system a little less inhumane, even though it's still worse than anywhere else in the world. The other half of the country fought for the hope that Obamacare might keep them from draining their 401-K to pay for emergency room treatment of a broken wrist (not likely, but you never know!). On November 7th, should this election end, everyone can finally shut up about healthcare and return to looking for one of the few remaining jobs that actually even offers benefits.
Issue #4: The end of having to wait for Paul Ryan to finally release his official shirtless abs pics.
This was bullshit! Show us the washboard!
The minute Paul Ryan arrived on the scene, there was a bunch of boring talk about him being fiscally conservative, anti-abortion, pro-shoving the elderly out to sea like the Eskimos, and it was all a big snooze-fest until they threw out the game-changer: P90X! The GOP finally had someone on the ticket who looked better shirtless than Obama running through the crashing waves of the ocean, the salt-water glistening on his rounded pecs, the sun dancing upon his... Sorry. What we mean is, we thought we were going to see a super-cut Veep candidate for the first time since Lloyd Bentsen (dude was buff, trust us), but instead we had to settle for photos that looked like a divorced Dad's eHarmony profile pic. We assume the real beefcake shots were kept hidden until post-election, and we are hopeful that on November 7th we'll finally see how Ayn Rand exceptionalism applies to rock hard stomachs.
Issue #5: Never having to hear (or write) another joke about Big Bird, Binders, Romnesia, Legitimate Rape, Benghazi, or the 47% again.
Were they ever funny?
Maybe we were just too lethargic to find this election very hilarious. Maybe the candidates played it too safe and failed to provide the material. We were all, of course, spoiled by 2008, but after an election year full of Sarah Palin in all her glory, racing to wrestle Big Bird into a punchline just felt a little desperate. We hope 2016 provides more fertile ground for humor, and we promise to make the most of it if we don't do the smart thing and go to law school in the interim.
Don't forget to vote and put an end to this miserable excuse for an election once and for all.