5. Jay Z, because he felt the full wrath of Bey.
No married person wants strangers to know about their dirty laundry. So you have to feel bad for Jay Z, who got a massive faceful of shade thrown at him by his wife, Beyoncé, on Saturday night. It was called Lemonade.
The new "visual album," which debuted on HBO this weekend, is being hailed as Beyoncé's fiercest and most powerful project yet, a bold statement of feminism and righteous anger. Which is great for everyone except her husband, who took the brunt of it. The story of Lemonade is about a woman, played by Queen Bey, rebelling against her cheating husband. And while it's not explicitly about Jay, come on. It totally is. Social media quickly picked up the subtext:
Poor Jay. But that's what he gets for marrying an irrepressible Amazon goddess. And for probably cheating.
4. Rachel Ray, because the Beyhive is mistakenly after her too.
Throughout the storyline of Lemonade, Beyoncé accuses her man (once again, only 99% likely to be Jay Z) of cheating with a character called "Becky with the good hair." Internet sleuths quickly figured out that "Becky" was meant to be Rachel Roy, a fashion designer who was rumored to be running around with Jay behind Beyoncé's back. Roy seemingly confirmed this with her own Instagram post.
The problem is that Beyoncé's fans are devoted, but lack a certain attention to detail. Many of them saw the name "Rachel Roy" and thought it was "Rachel Ray," the Food Network celebrity chef who says "yummo" all the time. Not the same person AT ALL.
I missed Beyoncé's HBO special, I haven't heard Lemonade AND I spent the entire morning thinking Beyoncé was pissed at Rachel Ray. I'm old.— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) April 24, 2016
I'm learning how to cook right now because I don't want Rachel Ray to steal my man too.— Rob Christensen (@RobLovesBagels) April 24, 2016
Stop. Attacking. The. Queen. Of. Brunch. You want Rachel Roy, not Rachael Ray! pic.twitter.com/SSqyqMGRvY— ᴊʙ (@JohnBelsha) April 24, 2016
"Nooooo. It's a different Rachel. What do you mean am I sure? Yes, I'm sure." - Rachel Ray on the phone with her mom today.— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) April 25, 2016
While it's easy to think that Rachel Ray is too wholesome to steal anybody's man, don't be so sure. Anyone who calls sandwiches "sammies" has to be at least a little freaky.
3. Kelly Ripa, because she's coming back to "Live" with her tail between her legs.
Usually, if you want drama in your daytime TV, you have to wait for the soaps. But with the ongoing Kelly Ripa/ABC/Michael Strahan feud, bad blood is hitting the airwaves much earlier than normal. And unfortunately for Ripa, she's the one who'll have to go back to work and take the heat.
For anyone who hasn't followed this story, here's a synopsis: Michael Strahan unexpectedly announced he will drop out of his ABC show Live with Kelly and Michael to join Good Morning America (reportedly, after years of behind-the-scenes tension). Not one to be out-divaed, Ripa supposedly called in a week's worth of unexpected "sick days" and vacation, leaving Strahan to hold down the fort with guest co-hosts.
Ripa, who was reportedly outraged that she wasn't warned of Strahan's departure ahead of time, didn't announce when she would return. But now, after some talks with the ABC brass, she will resume her place on Tuesday. According to TMZ, she wouldn't come back until Disney (who owns ABC, along with everything else) reassured her that Live wouldn't be canceled to add a third hour to GMA.
But still, it won't be easy for her to banter cheerfully like she normally does, considering that everyone in the world thinks she threw a tantrum. If only she still had Regis there to make her appear sane in comparison.
2. Donald Trump, because Ted Cruz and John Kasich are forming an unholy alliance against him.
At this point, Donald Trump's nomination as the Republican candidate for president seems inevitable. The entire Republican establishment is just watching it happen like a deer in the headlights. But two GOP stalwarts are making a last-ditch effort to prevent it, and coincidentally, they happen to be the two people running against him: Ted Cruz and John Kasich.
The campaigns of the trailing candidates announced that they will pool their efforts to try and prevent Trump from sealing the nomination, with each of them voluntarily standing aside in specific state primaries to give the other a better chance of winning. Cruz's campaign manager Jeff Roe said his team would “focus its time and resources in Indiana and in turn clear the path for Governor Kasich to compete in Oregon and New Mexico.” It's a bold strategy, and could be dangerous for the two struggling candidates, who hope to win enough delegates to prevent Trump from clinching. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and when Donald Trump could become the next president, a lot of people are feeling desperate.
1. A guy who tried to float to Bermuda in a bubble and had to be rescued.
Bermuda is a beautiful vacation destination, but have you ever wished you could just walk there? One man did, and decided to make that dream a reality. Unfortunately, he's an idiot.
Iranian-born Reza Baluchi attempted to float in a "hydro pod" from his home in Pompano Beach, FL to Bermuda last week. The weird bubble craft is propelled by the person inside jogging, like a giant hamster wheel. Baluchi is an endurance runner, and brought a GPS tracker, water filtration system, life vest, and shark repellent, so obviously he thought he was prepared. But he was not. The Coast Guard had to rescue him Sunday morning after he gave up partway through his voyage.
All's well that ends well? Not quite. The Coast Guard, American's least intimidating military force, is hopping mad at him, because they had previously warned him not to undertake the journey. A previous attempt at a similar stunt in 2014 required them to rescue him, at a cost to the taxpayers of $140,000. They had warned him that if he did it again, he would be subject to a $40,000 fine and seven years in prison. Then he did it again.
Baluchi told the Sun Sentinel,
I don't know what to do. I don't want to fight with the Coast Guard. I want peace. I'm a lover, not a fighter … I want to find a lawyer to help me.
Good luck with that, bubble boy.