5. Our chance to feel self-righteous about not buying the new iPad was ripped out of our hands. NPR retracted monologist Mike Daisey's This American Life story about Apple factory conditions after it was revealed many of the details were made up. Apparently, a story about a factory lined with anti-suicide nets wasn't dramatic enough for him, so he decided to cast suspicion on the entire story by jazzing it up with a little, what dramatists call, "lying." Dammit, all we wanted was the chance to act superior to our early-adopter friends, asking them if they're afraid of smearing their new HD screen with all that blood on their hands, but Daisey's given them an out. Never trust theater-folk!
4. Americans stopped hunting down Kony so they could declare an all-out war on meat. So not only is all meat bad for you, but a lot of meat isn't even meat. The sudden hysteria over "Pink Slime" meat filler being served in schools coincided with the news that we've been taking minutes off our lives with every visit to Wendy's. We don't join in the anti-Pink Slime movement. Pink Slme was good enough for us when we were in school, and like any parent resentful of their children, we would like the world to be the same if not slightly worse for them. As for all those years being taken off our lives, if anyone wants to take 1987, 2001, 2006, or 2009 off our hands they can have em because those years sucked.