1. Stephen Colbert Finally Responds To The Twitter Controversy That Destroyed His Entire Career

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Fake-news host Stephen Colbert finally opened up and gave his thoughts on the #CancelColbert Twitter movement—which showed the world that he is a racist and forced Comedy Central to cancel his show The Colbert Report last week —while speaking to his audience on his popular Comedy Central show The Colbert Report last night. It was an emotional half-hour of soul searching.


 

 


2. Obamacare Hits 7 Million Enrollees, Despite Working About As Well As We'd Expect It To Work

Barack Obama's signature healthcare system reached its real goal of enrolling 7 million people by April 1, after having reached its fake goal of enrolling 6 million people by whenever last week. U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius attributes the success to the President's appearance on Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis and not to the Healthcare.gov website which nobody could get to stay online. In reality, it's probably a bit of both.

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