1. Science Discovers The Secret To Happiness: Just Expect Everything To Be Awful

According to a new study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, researchers may have finally cracked the code to human happiness. And it looks a little like this:

For any dullards out there who can't grasp the meaning behind that equation, it essentially boils down to this axiom, according to the study's lead author: happiness “doesn’t depend on how things are going. It depends on whether things are going better or worse than you had expected they would." Or, to put it into more practical terms: expect the worst, and the world will always meet your expectations. That's essentially what the Buddha said, isn't it?

2. Conservative Activist Proves Our Borders Are Vulnerable To Idiots In Osama Bin Laden Masks