1. Science Discovers The Secret To Happiness: Just Expect Everything To Be Awful

According to a new study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, researchers may have finally cracked the code to human happiness. And it looks a little like this:

For any dullards out there who can't grasp the meaning behind that equation, it essentially boils down to this axiom, according to the study's lead author: happiness “doesn’t depend on how things are going. It depends on whether things are going better or worse than you had expected they would." Or, to put it into more practical terms: expect the worst, and the world will always meet your expectations. That's essentially what the Buddha said, isn't it?

2. Conservative Activist Proves Our Borders Are Vulnerable To Idiots In Osama Bin Laden Masks

James O'Keefe—the conservative video activist who has made a career out of exposing the hypocrisies and corruptions of liberalism by dressing up as a pimp and luring women onto his dildo-stuffed boat—has just exposed something that should terrify every American citizen. He filmed himself crossing over a small body of water that separates Mexico from Texas while while wearing an Osama bin Laden Halloween costume, thus proving... well, I'm not sure exactly what it proves. Other than the fact that you should be scared, obviously.

3. Global Movie Audiences Get Just What They Deserve: A 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle' Sequel

You had to do it, didn't you? You had to go see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles over the weekend, thus contributing to the Michael Bay production's $93.7 million worldwide take. Just one week after making Guardians of the Galaxy the all-time biggest opening weekend moneymaker for August and making Hollywood consider the possibility that putting a little effort into their films might pay off in the long run, you just had to tell it, "Nope, never mind. We're swallowing whatever bullshit you feel like feeding us." Well, guess what! You get what you deserve. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 is officially a go!

4. David Duchovny and Tea Leoni Robbed Us Of The Chance To Turn Their Divorce Into A Media Circus

This just in: Acting couple David Duchovny and Tea Leoni have gotten a divorce... several months ago. How dare they! Their misery is for our fleeting entertainment! How can they not know that? I feel so betrayed right now. 

5. 18 percent Of Americans Are Long-Overdue For A Drink

According to the statistics pornography site FiveThirtyEight, 14.9 percent of men and 20.4 percent of women in the United States report that they have never had a sip of alcohol. How can that be? Just looking at those numbers makes my brain hurt. And my tongue sweat. I think... uh, I'm just gonna skip out to the corner pub to, um, clear my head for a short bit.  

(by Dennis DiClaudio)