1. Barack Obama Sending Eric Holder Down To Ferguson To Shut All You People Up Already

President Barack Obama is hoping that you will stop pointing fingers at him and demanding that he do something about the insanely and unnecessarily escalating situation in Ferguson now that he has decided to send Attorney General Eric Holder into the roiling Missouri town to pose for a few photographs and make some very solemn statements for reporters.

2. Benedict Cumberbatch And Idris Elba Will Battle For Scary Tiger Supremacy In Dueling 'Jungle Books'

Beloved British actors Benedict Cumberbatch and Idris Elba will both be playing the villainous tiger Shere Khan in upcoming live action film adaptations of Rudyard Kipling's classic story The Jungle Book. Elba will play the terrifying jungle cat in a Jon Favreau-directed version for Disney, while Cumberbatch will give his interpretation in Andy Serkis' directorial debut for Warner Bros. It's a good time to be a fan of BBC detective dramas/imperialist anthropomorphic children's books.

3. Don Pardo, Longtime Voice Of SNL, Goes Out In A Blaze Of Melancholy Saxophone Music

Don Pardo—a voice-over performer who lent his iconic vocalizations to countless television and radio shows over the course of his seven-decade career, including Saturday Night Live, The Price Is Right and Your Show of Showsdied yesterday at the age of 96. It only seems right to set his closing credits to the proper theme:

4. Some Tech Dork Named Tom Hanks Has The Number One iPad App Right Now 

Hanx Writer—an iPad app that mimics old-timey typewriters for reasons that remain unknown—is currently, and inexplicably, the most popular app in the iTunes store. Even more inexplicably, the mostly useless program was developed by two-time Oscar winner Tom Hanks.

5. Science Finally Creates Robot Capable Of Hitchhiking Across Canada

hitchBOT, a robot designed to hitchhike its way all the way from one side of Canada to the other, arrived in its final destination in Victoria, British Columbia over the weekend. It is unknown how many robo-handjobs it had to dispense over the course of its 6,000 mile journey.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)