1. Ferguson Police Officer Will Not Be Allowed To Threaten Lives Of Innocent Protesters For At Least A Few Days

Ferguson city officials say that the officer who was caught on camera threatening to kill protesters while pointing his loaded, semi-automatic rifle at them has been suspended from duty. Probably until he learns not to pull shit when you're so obviously going to get caught. Come on, man. Learn how to harass civilians like a professional!

2. Your Kid's Finger Paintings Might Show How Dumb He Is

A new study from King’s College London suggests that you might be able to get some insight into just how dim-witted your kid will grow up to be, based upon the crappy, half-considered scrawls that you stuck up on your refrigerator. Parents shouldn't put too much stock in their children's artistic abilities, however. "Drawing ability does not determine intelligence, there are countless factors, both genetic and environmental, which affect intelligence in later life," according to study author Dr. Rosalind Arden.  In other words, your kid can be good at drawing and still wind up profoundly dumb.

3. Christian Conservatives Were Right! 'Harry Potter' Books Provide Dangerous Gateway To Progressive Ideas Of Tolerance

Research performed by a political scientist at the University of Vermont claims to have found empirical evidence that J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series of books had a political influence upon its readers. "Reading the books correlated with greater levels of acceptance for out-groups, higher political tolerance, less predisposition to authoritarianism, greater support for equality, and greater opposition to the use of violence and torture," researcher Anthony Gierzynski wrote in The Conversation

4. Turns Out Ladies Know What Ladies Like In The Bedroom

A recent study from the Journal of Sexual Medicine finds that lesbians are having better sex and more orgasms than their heterosexual counterparts. Seems like an unfair comparison though. Heterosexual women are forced to have sex with men, and, as any straight woman will tell you, those guys really have no idea what they're doing down there.

5. Emma Stone Bringing Her Perfectly Acceptable Acting Talents To The Broadway Stage

Hollywood actress and notable attractive person Emma Stone will be making her Broadway debut as Sally Bowles in the currently running Broadway revival of Cabaret. Stone—whom relatively few people seem to view as a below-par actress—is expected to do an acceptable-enough job replacing the respected performer Michelle Williams.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)