5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - August 22, 2014
1. The Michael Brown Incident Report Is Completely Blank, Thus Proving That All This Fuss Is Over Nothing
The Ferguson Police Department has finally gotten around to releasing the incident report for the shooting death of unarmed teenager Michael Brown, and wouldn't you know it happens to be completely devoid of information. So, looks like your Fox News-watching uncle was right about this being a whole bunch of hubbub over nothing at all.
In the Ferguson shooting case, it appears Officer Darren Wilson's defense attorney will be Fox News.— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) August 21, 2014
2. U.S. Copyright Office Sets Monkey Selfies Free
The United States Copyright Office has just overhauled copyright law so that photographs taken by monkeys and other animals, which apparently is a thing worthy of consideration, cannot be copyrighted. "The Office will not register works produced by nature, animals, or plants," according to the government office. "Likewise, the Office cannot register a work purportedly created by divine or supernatural beings, although the Office may register a work where the application or the deposit copy state that the work was inspired by a divine spirit." So, any tasteful nudes taken by spooky ghosts are fair game.
If you put one monkey at one typewriter for one hour, it will write a Bud Light commercial— Eli Yudin (@eliyudin) July 10, 2014
3. Catholics: Your ALS Ice Bucket Challenge Video Might Send You To Hell Fire
You may think that you're doing good for the world by dumping a bucket of ice water on your head and uploading a video of it to YouTube. However, the Cincinnati Archdiocese has pointed out that if your trendy viral video inspires people to donate money to the ALS Association, then they are unwittingly supporting research via stem cells. And, as the life of a poor, innocent stem cell is roughly equivalent to that of a person with Lou Gehrig's Disease, this may cause a moral conundrum.
I'm excited to learn that there is now an Ice Bucket Challenge Halloween Costume, presumably to raise awareness about ruthless capitalism!— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) August 22, 2014
4. Florida Man Can Finally Marry Other Florida Man
Florida Man sure has had his share of adventures, but he's about to enter into the most exciting adventure of all: true love. Yesterday, a federal judge declared the Sunshine State's ban on same sex marriage to be unconstitutional.
Florida's gay marriage ban has been ruled unconstitutional. Hanging Chads will finally be able to wed Daytona Dans.— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) August 22, 2014
5. 'Sin City 2' Offers Old Fashioned Style, Effects and Misogyny
Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller's follow-up to 2005's Sin City finally hits theaters today, bringing with it mediocre reviews, some warmed-over visual effects and egregious acts of violence. Plus misogynistic story lines aplenty!
Need some relief from all the violent images of urban blight I've been seeing, Thank God that new Sin City film is opening.— Frank Conniff (@FrankConniff) August 21, 2014
(by Dennis DiClaudio)