1. Mark Sanchez Goes Down In Preseason, Giving Fans A Head Start On Being Disappointed In The Regular Season

Would-be New York Jets starting quarterback Mark Sanchez wasted no time getting himself on the injured list and ruining every Jets fan's night after being sent in during the fourth quarter of last night's preseason game against the New York Giants. Sanchez replacing another would-be starting quarterback Geno Smith who had been ruining every Jets fan's night by shitting the bed all over the field up until then.

2. NSA Agents Spying On Their Wives, Too

The NSA has admitted that some of its agents have on occasion been caught using their government-trained surveillance skills to spy on their spouses and parters, a practice that the agency calls "LOVEINT." Though, to be fair, who's to say that the guy some agent's wife is meeting in a hotel room by the interstate isn't delivering "sensitive" material? 

3. Former Miramax Chair Hired "Actress" For "Scenes" Co-Starring His "Penis"