1. Mark Sanchez Goes Down In Preseason, Giving Fans A Head Start On Being Disappointed In The Regular Season

Would-be New York Jets starting quarterback Mark Sanchez wasted no time getting himself on the injured list and ruining every Jets fan's night after being sent in during the fourth quarter of last night's preseason game against the New York Giants. Sanchez replacing another would-be starting quarterback Geno Smith who had been ruining every Jets fan's night by shitting the bed all over the field up until then.

2. NSA Agents Spying On Their Wives, Too

The NSA has admitted that some of its agents have on occasion been caught using their government-trained surveillance skills to spy on their spouses and parters, a practice that the agency calls "LOVEINT." Though, to be fair, who's to say that the guy some agent's wife is meeting in a hotel room by the interstate isn't delivering "sensitive" material? 

3. Former Miramax Chair Hired "Actress" For "Scenes" Co-Starring His "Penis"

Richard Nanula, the former head of the Miramax film studio, has been accused by an an adult film actress of having hired her to act alongside him in an oral sex "scene" for an amateur porn film. Nanula resigned from Miramax in July after photos of him having sex with a different porn actress were published online. Under California law, had the studio head released these sexual encounters commercially for other people to masturbate to after having paid a fee, they would have been a legal form of pornography. Since they were just for his own fun, they're prostitution and illegal.

someecards.com - Thanks for letting me live out a vile porn fantasy

4. Pimp Busted While Wearing  "I Make Pimpin' Look Easy" T-Shirt

San Diego police arrested a man in a t-shirt that read "I make pimpin' look easy" in part because he made made spotting the fact that he is a pimp look so easy. Martell Davis, who was charged with the sex trafficking of a teenage girl, had a history of showing off his lavish lifestyle and referring to "my bitches" on social media sites.

5. Marvin Gay Family Turns Down Huge Settlement Over 'Blurred Lines' In Favor Of Long, Expensive Court Battle

Marvin Gaye's family has turned down a six-figure settlement from Robin Thicke concerning his song "Blurred Lines," which just so happens to sound a crazy amount like Gaye's "Got To Give It Up." Instead, the family will continue with its planned lawsuit, despite a preemptive lawsuit from Thicke, so that the memory of this unpleasantness can linger for-seemingly-ever even if you want to get it out of your head. Just like the song in question.