1. The World Survives Yet Another VMA Ceremony With Only Minimal Carnage


MTV—a basic cable channel notable for featuring zero music videos—hosted its annual Video Music Awards ceremony again last night. And it was a big, big night! Miley Cyris did something. Iggy Azalea did something else. Nikki Minaj probably did something or other. And, of course, Beyoncé outdid everyone in the something department.

2. Hip-Hop Mogul Suge Knight Tells Death To Go F--- Itself After Being Shot Multiple Times

Former CEO of Death Row Records Marion "Suge" Knight was shot several times during R&B artist Chris Brown's pre-VMA party yesterday. The hip-hop impresario—who was also shot during Kanye West's pre-VMA party back in 2005—is expected to live to be shot at future pre-VMA parties.

3. 'True Blood' Receives Merciful Death

Fans of HBO's True Blood were finally set free last night after the long-running erotic vampire/werewolf/fairy/minotaur series aired its final episode, in which, true to form, a bunch of ridiculous shit happens.