1. Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt Finally Get Married, Probably For The Health Insurance

Nine years into their much-paparazzied and gossip-magazined relationship, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were officially wed last week at their wine castle estate in the French countryside. I'm assuming that they did it so that one of them could get one the other's health insurance. That's what put most of my friends over the edge.

2. Hello Kitty Is No Cat — She's Simply A Hideously Disfigured Little Girl

It was revealed recently that the iconic Hello Kitty cartoon figure is not who, or what, we thought she was. "Hello Kitty is not a cat," a curator of an upcoming retrospective exhibit at the Japanese American National Museum in Los Angeles explained. "She's a cartoon character. She is a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat. She's never depicted on all fours. She walks and sits like a two-legged creature." So, I suppose that means she's either some kind of a weird cat-like monster or a regular little human girl with a terrible facial disfiguration. Choose whichever one you think is less horrifying.

3. 'Sopranos' Creator Says Okay, Fine, Tony Soprano Is Alive, So Long As You'll All Shut Up And Leave Him Alone

In an obvious attempt to shut people up and get them to stop asking whether or not Tony Soprano died at the end of the series finale seven years ago, an exasperated Sopranos-creator David Chase gave an answer of sorts an interviewer from Vox, who asked if Tony was dead: "He shook his head 'no.' And he said simply, 'No he isn't.' That was all." Now, can we all please move on with our lives?

4. Jon Stewart Opens Up About His Upcoming Movie That's Purposefully Not Funny, And Not Just Because It's Overly Didactic

Fake news host Jon Stewart recently sat down with The Hollywood Reporter to discuss his upcoming dramatic film Rosewater—about a Iranian journalist who was held captive by his government due to his appearance in a Daily Show segment—which most of us will feel guilty about not ever getting around to watching.

5. Poor, Starving Brain-Eating Amoeba Found Cowering In Louisiana Water System

Residents of the St. John the Baptist Parish of Louisiana have been warned that their water supply has tested positive for Naegleria fowleri, a brain-eating amoeba that can cause "devastating infection" that usually results in death or the election of Rep. Bill Cassidy to office.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)