1. Why Won't Marvel Release Longform Birth Certificate For New Black Captain America?

Things just keep getting worse for racist, sexist, obsessive nerds who pound their fists upon the presswood surface of their desks in their parents' basements at the very mention of a change in the comic book status quo. One day after View host Whoopi Goldberg shocked the world by announcing that a woman will now be wielding the hammer of Thor, Marvel editor Joe Quesada stepped onto The Colbert Report to announce that a black man will be carrying on the title of Captain America, now that Steve Rogers is an old, wrinkly white dude with a WWII-era understanding of the world. Are there any white, male superheroes left, aside from almost all of them?!

2. New Orleans Saints' Newest Cheerleader Mom Is Inspiration For Super Hot 40-Year-Old Moms Everywhere

A 40-year-old Mississippi woman with two children and a debilitating kidney disease recently realized her dream of becoming a professional cheerleader for the New Orleans Saints, and all she had to do to achieve it was be preternaturally attractive and athletic for her age and health.

3. Federal Judge Finds California's Death Penalty To Be More Of A Wait-Around-For-A-Long-Time Penalty 

A federal judge has declared California's death penalty system to be unconstitutional, as the vast majority of inmates sentenced to capital punishment spend years and years and years waiting for the sweet embrace of death that never arrives. Apparently, US District Judge Cormac J. Carney has been listening to a lot of Smiths and Cure lately. 

4. CBS Says Sports Announcers May Choose Whether Or Not To Use Racial Slur On The Air

It looks like CBS sports announcers will be given the choice of whether or not they feel comfortable using the name "Redskins," when referring to Washington D.C.'s football team on-air this season. "Generally speaking, we do not tell our announcers what to say or not say," network chairman Sean McManus very unconvincingly explained during an interview with the Hollywood Reporter.

5. Cheeseheads Forced To Deal With 'Crazy Worm' Scourge

This is going to sound like some kind of weird Midwesternism, but you have to believe me when I tell you it's not: the University of Wisconsin-Madison is being inundated with some kind of voraciously hungry, jumping "crazy worms." The unusually hearty, invasive earthworm species currently covers about an acre of land on the campus, and officials are taking great precautions to keep them from spreading into other parts of the state and country.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)