5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - July 2, 2014
1. Monica Lewinsky Gives Her First TV Interview Since People Cared About Monica Lewinsky
In her first televised interview in more than a decade, former White House intern and unfortunate human punchline Monica Lewinsky tried to her best to explain the ordeal through which she lived after her brief affair with President Bill Clinton. "I was a virgin to humiliation of that level," she said, in unfortunately chosen words.
Should I call my band Monica Lewinsky & The Culture of Humiliation or O.J. Simpson & the Birth of Reality TV?— Tom Ceraulo (@tceraulo) June 6, 2014
2. African Leaders Have Brilliant Plan To Prevent War Crimes — Make Them Not A Crime
Heads of state from all across the African continent have voted to give themselves immunity from being charged with war crimes by the newly created—and now pretty much useless—African Court for Justice and Human Rights. The brilliantly Machiavellian maneuver has been hailed as a “backward step in the fight against impunity and a betrayal of victims of serious violations of human rights,” by a clearly-impressed spokesperson for Amnesty International.
*sheathes plastic sword* Look kid, the invisible monster is nearly dead. If we kill him now, we're technically committing war crimes— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) January 28, 2014
3. Getting Arrested Was The Best Thing That Ever Happened For Jeremy Meeks's Modeling Career
Jeremy Meeks—everybody's favorite super-sexy alleged felon—has reportedly been offered a $30K model contract from with Blaze Modelz, based upon the content of his modeling portfolio, otherwise known as that one famous mugshot.
If Jeremy Meeks' modeling contract isn't exclusively for orange jumpsuits, this is some bullshit.— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) July 2, 2014
4. Wily Bigfoot Outwits Scientists Once Again
Bigfoot—the immense, secretive, hairy humanoid creature who wanders through America's forests, always staying one step ahead of inquisitive cryptozoologists—has outsmarted our brightest researchers once again. A comprehensive analysis of various samples of DNA have been found to originate from a variety of non-Bigfoot animals, including bears, horses and raccoons. Clearly, Bigfoot understands how to taint genetic samples better than we previously assumed.
Why did we make up Bigfoot when bears are real and will kill us?— Susan Burke (@ThatSusanBurke) June 30, 2014
5. IBM Supercomputer Creates Delicious Sauce To Be Used For Devouring The Tender Flesh Of Imperfect Carbon-Based Beings
Technicians at IBM have finally achieved their long-term goal of creating a supercomputer capable of using "basic ideas from chemistry and psychology" to "predict what humans will find flavorful" and create the most delicious barbecue sauce in the world, thus making your father-in-law utterly redundant.
No thank you, bottles of BBQ sauce with a white man on the label.— CJ Sullivan (@CJVLR) June 18, 2014
(by Dennis DiClaudio)