1. Hide Any Punchable Faces, People! Chris Brown Is Back On The Streets!

R&B singer Chris Brown was released from a Los Angeles County jail this morning. As of press time, he has not yet been re-arrested and returned to incarceration.


2. CEOs Only Made A Paltry 331 Times As Much As Their Workers Last Year, So Some Downsizing May Be Required

According to a report from the AFL-CIO, corporate CEOs earned about 331 times as much money as an average worker for their company, which, if you think about it, is kind of absurd. Their suits alone are at least 500 times as expensive. And don't even get me started on how much more it costs for upkeep on their luxury yachts. We've really got to get that number up a bit higher.


3. Miley Cyrus Has Been Robbed By Burglars With Tacky Taste In Cars And Jewelry

The Los Angeles Police Department is currently on the look out for a man and woman with cheesy taste in sports cars and an appreciation for unpleasantly flashy necklaces and rings. The couple are believed to have broken into the San Fernando Valley home of pop singer Miley Cyrus last night and made off with a bunch of her jewelry and her Maserati.