1. World Cup News — U.S. Team Triumphantly Doesn't Quite Lose To Portugal

U.S. soccer fans—plus all the Americans who are very enthusiastically watching the sport for the first time in four years—are not entirely depressed today after their team managed to just barely not lose, with a 2-2 final score, to their Portuguese opponents in yesterday's World Cup game.

2. Do You Know Who Else Hated Paying His Taxes? Hitler!

A new documentary, The Hunt for Hitler's Missing Millions, claims that Adolf Hitler was in fact a secret billionaire and "serial tax evader" who "owed the German taxman a small fortune when he became supreme leader in 1933." I knew there was something I didn't like about that guy!

3. South Dakota GOP Votes To Impeach Barack Obama On The Basis Of Whatever

Tough day for President Barack Obama. It appears as though he has lost the confidence of the South Dakota wing of the Republican Party. Delegates of the state GOP voted 191-176 to impeach Obama for the ostensible reason of violating his oath of office. Offenses include something having to do with Bowe Bergdahl, some other thing about Obamacare, and something blah blah blah EPA. "I've got a thick book on impeachable offenses of the president," the guy who introduced the impeachment resolution explained. So if none of these stick, he's got a ton more.

4. John Oliver Gives Dr. Oz's Medical Advice More Consideration Than Dr. Oz Did

Comedian John Oliver dedicated a 16-minute chunk of his HBO show Last Week Tonight to calling bullshit on TV medical expert Dr. Mehmet Oz and his perplexing decision to burn all of his hard-earned credibility in an effort to sell some junk weight loss "magic beans." And for reasons that are equally perplexing, Oliver opted to drive his point home with some help from George R.R. Martin, Steve Buscemi and a puppy.

5. Robin Thicke Tries To Win Back Wife With Sad Music Video Full Of Naked Women

In an obviously desperate bid to win back his estranged wife Paula Patton, pop singer Robin Thicke has released a melancholy music video for his doleful new single "Get Her Back," featuring plenty of naked body parts from anonymous women. This guy knows how to charm a lady, am I right?

(by Dennis DiClaudio)