1. The Country That Wants To Go To War With The U.S. Over A Rogen-Franco Movie Just Got A Little Bit Closer To Possessing Long-Range Missiles

South Korean officials are reporting that the North Korean military carried out an unpleasantly successful test of several missiles earlier today. The projectiles—which somehow did not immediately fall to the ground and fizzle out while spurting sparks and missile juice onto the ground after being fired toward the country's eastern waters—are presumed to be short-range Scud ballistic missiles.


2. The Mighty British Empire Needs Semen!

Quick! There's no time to spare! Run to the kitchen, grab the largest ziplock bag you can find and start filling it up with as many spermatozoa as you can manage. According to the British Fertility Society, the United Kingdom is currently experiencing a "major" sperm donation drought, thus forcing fertility clinics to accept lesser quality semen. They're presumably even taking donations from Scotland. Once you're finished, mail your donation to the United Kingdom. No address needed. These are sperm; they'll know how to find their way.