1. Boko Haram Joins ISIS In Most Insidious Merger Since Comcast-Time Warner
Middle Eastern terrorist organization ISIS has apparently accepted a pledge of allegiance offered by Nigerian terrorist organization Boko Haram. "We announce to you to the good news of the expansion of the caliphate to West Africa because the caliph... has accepted the allegiance of our brothers of the Sunni group for preaching and the jihad," ISIS spokesperson Mohammed al-Adnani declared in a recently released video. It is truly a marriage made in an incredibly fundamentalist interpretation of heaven.
Here's hoping the new ISIS/Boko Haram supergroup has as much staying power as Damn Yankees.— Miles Kahn (@mileskahn) March 9, 2015
2. Andy Samberg To End Long Streak Of Unbridled Success By Hosting Emmy Awards
Comedian Andy Samberg—who was skyrocketed to fame as a beloved regular on Saturday Night Live before leaving to head an ensemble cast on the critically acclaimed sitcom Brooklyn Nine-Nine—has reportedly agreed to try in vain to bring humor to the next Emmy award ceremonies and then be judged harshly by everybody on Twitter.
I feel like I could do great things with Andy Samberg's face.— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) January 28, 2014
3. Homeopathy Definitively Disproven For 900th Time
The world lies in shock today after the Australia's National Health and Medical Research Council made the counterintuitive announcement that mixing minute amounts of various substances into great masses of water does not offer any substantive health benefits. "There are no health conditions for which there is reliable evidence that homeopathy is effective," the report declares in no uncertain terms. The report—which is remarkably similar to the countless reports that preceded it—is expected to have about as much effect on the homeopathy market as the solitary molecule of active ingredient in your sleeping pill will have on your metabolism.