1. Third World War Looms Due To Eastern European Country Most People Didn't Know Existed Two Weeks Ago
U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry issued a vague, not-particularly scary threat to Russian President Vladimir Putin in the wake of his country's decision to move military troops into the Crimean region of Ukraine, which many Americans have only recently learned hasn't actually been a part of Russia in about two decades. “He is not going to have a Sochi G-8. He may not even remain in the G-8, if this continues,” Kerry said, implying that the U.S. may boycott the scheduled G-8 summit in Sochi, on NBC’s Meet the Press this morning.
The only way to get peace in the Ukraine is for an Oscar winner to ask for it in their acceptance speech tonight.— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 2, 2014
2. Jimmy Fallon Got Frigidly Cold And Uncomfortably Wet In Chicago For A Good Cause — Unlike Chicago Population Who Do It Everyday Because They Have No Choice
Jimmy Fallon was in Chicago yesterday to jump into the frigidly cold waters of Lake Michigan—alongside Mayor Rahm Emanuel and a bunch of other insane people—in an effort to raise $1 million for Special Olympics Chicago. You'd think, as the new host of NBC's Tonight Show, he'd have been able to just sign a check for twice that amount just to stay warm and dry.