1. Edward Snowden Pulls Off His Nerdy Hacker Mask To Reveal That He's Actually Nerdy Spy
During an interview for NBC News that will air in its entirety tonight, NSA whistle-blower and political refugee Edward Snowden revealed to Brian Williams that he was actually working as a spy for the United States prior to coming forward about what he perceived to be violations of U.S. citizens's rights. "I was trained as a spy in sort of the traditional sense of the word, in that I lived and worked undercover overseas, pretending to work in a job that I'm not, and even being assigned a name that was not mine," he explained. He did not, however, reveal how many women who look like Victoria's Secret models he slept with inside gondolas floating down subterranean rivers. Though, it's probably safe to guess less than five.
Edward Snowden tells NBC News he was "trained as a spy" and is "a 10th-level cleric with luminous armor and Zeladazat the Ghost Sword."
— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) May 28, 2014
2. The World's Population Of Wise Old Black Celebrity Poetesses Sadly Decreases By One
Maya Angelou—who is as notable for her work as a political and civil rights activist as she is for somehow managing to make a comfortable living as a poet—died today at the age of 86.