1. Internet Remains Fully Operational 16 Hours After Kim Kardashian's Ass Attempts To Take It Down 

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Despite its best efforts, the shimmering backside of professional celebrity Kim Kardashian has thus far failed in a terrorist attempt to take "#BreakTheInternet." Nearly a day and a half after Kardashian and her butt uploaded images of themselves on the new Paper Magazine cover, the Internet remains in one piece. To learn more about this pressing issue, check pretty much any legitimate news source


2. Randy Jackson Retiring From 'American Idol' To Spend More Time With Familial Dawgs

After 13 years of leaning back in his chair and referring to fellow adults as "dawg" on Fox's hit competitive singing TV series American Idol, Randy Jackson has announced his retirement. What he chooses to do next with his self-evident and immense talents currently remains a mystery. 

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