1. Bigfoot Hunters Shoot, Take Down Big Dumb Hairy Creature Who Happens To Be Their Friend


Three Bigfoot hunters in the woods of Rogers County, Oklahoma were arrested after one heard a suspicious noise, fired his gun and shot a humanoid creature of subhuman intelligence who turned out to be the fourth member of their Bigfoot hunting party. The specimen was sent to the hospital with a gunshot wound in its back.

2. Outrage: U.S. Spied On By One Of The Many Countries It Was Spying On

Following a report in Brazilian newspaper Folha de São Paulo yesterday, Brazil admits that it had the nerve to spy on United States diplomats — as well as representatives from some other non-United States countries — who were within its borders, as though it was the goddamn United States or something.

3. Woman Almost Bites Into Banana Filled With Deadly Spiders And Unimaginable Nightmares

A London woman was forced to flee her home after dozens of freshly-hatched highly-venomous Brazilian wandering spiders crawled out of a banana that she was about to eat and began scurrying around her home like the very spawns of Ungoliant, the Eight-Legged Spinner of Darkness. She says that she — like pretty much everybody reading this — has now developed a phobia of eating bananas.