1. Chris Brown Arrested For Thing That You Can Totally Guess

Hip-hop artist and girlfriend-beater Chris Brown was arrested and charged felony assault this morning, after allegedly repeatedly punching a man with whom he'd gotten into an argument outside the W hotel in Washington DC. Authorities say Brown did not appear to be under the influence of anything other than the personal demons that make him feel inferior.

2. Study: Hands-Free Texting Just As Effective At Causing Multiple-Vehicle Pile-Ups As Regular Texting

Researchers at the Texas A&M Transportation Institute have determined that text messaging with your voice is just as distracting, and therefore no less useful for accidentally killing yourself and the people with whom you are sharing the road, than texting with your fingers. Safety-minded drivers should, instead, pull out their laptop and send a quick email.

someecards.com - Congratulations on getting your texting while driving charges reduced to a DUI.

3. Julianne Hough Dresses As "Person Who Doesn't Know That Blackface Is Bad" For Halloween

Dancing with the Stars "star" Julianne Hough, who is apparently completely unfamiliar with the past 300 years of U.S. history, opted to dress as her favorite character from Netflix's original series Orange Is the New Black, who happens to be played by Uzo Aduba, an actress who has considerably more pigment in her skin than Hough. Clearly, without giving the matter the full three seconds of thought it deserved, she chose to complete her costume with what appears to be a slightly more upscale version of shoe polish, blissfully unaware that there was an Internet full of hungry commenters just waiting for someone to feed their moral outrage.