5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - September 16, 2013
1. Google Car Tracks Route Directly Into Side Of Bus, And Then Into Another Bus
A brightly-multi-colored, company-logo-emblazoned, seven-foot-camera-tower-having Google car smashed into the side of a bus while mapping the streets of Bogor, Indonesia last week. After pulling away from the bus, the driver — apparently hoping no one would be able to identify his car — attempted to flee the scene and immediately rammed into a second bus.
Having a good hair day. Where's the Google Street View car when you need it?— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) July 11, 2013
2. Larry Summer Withdraws From Consideration For Fed Chair Job He Wasn't Ever Going To Get Ever
Lawrence H. Summers — the unpopular former Secretary of the Treasury who was not ever going to be the next chairman of the Federal Reserve — withdrew his name from consideration to be appointed chairman of the Federal Reserve, citing the obvious fact that even the President, who wanted him to be chairman of the Federal Reserve even though that was never ever going to happen, can't rally enough congressional support to make him chairman of the Federal Reserve. Somehow, he blames Syria.
Larry Summers says he doesn't want to be Fed Chair. I'm sure Obama can find someone else who crashed our economy five years ago.— David Feldman (@David_Feldman_) September 15, 2013
3. Internet Freaks Out After Smokin' Hot Indian-American Woman Is Crowned Miss America Over A Smokin' Hot White-American Woman
Miss New York Nina Davuluri became the first woman of Indian descent ever to be crowned Miss America. The Internet, true to form, responded to this historic moment by vomiting racism, xenophobia and generally pathetic meanness all over everything. Partially at issue was that judges had the temerity to choose a ethnic-ish person over a "Real American woman" like Miss Kansas Theresa Vail, a blonde Army soldier who bow-hunts, proudly displays her Lord's Prayer tattoo and is blonde.
The new Miss America sends the dangerous message to young girls that white people don't win and control everything.— Todd Marrone (@toddmarrone) September 16, 2013
4. Homeless Guy Who Returned Backpack Full Of Money To Best Buy Employee Is Excellent Human Being, Terrible Homeless Guy
After finding a backpack containing $40,000 in cash and traveler’s checks and a Chinese passport outside a Massachusetts mall, an unidentified homeless man who is a way, way better person than pretty much anybody you're going to meet this week promptly delivered the bag to the police without even having stolen a grand or two for his trouble. The owner of the bag turned out to be an employee of Best Buy who clearly knows a lot more about hard drives and LCD TVs than about banks and not doing stupid shit with your money.
A homeless guy returned $40,000 to a Best Buy employee. What an idiot! He could have bought like three extended warranties with that.— mtobey (@mtobey) September 16, 2013
5. Police Dress As 49ers Fans Hoping That Seahawks Fans Will Fuck With Them
Seattle police went undercover as San Francisco 49ers fans during yesterday's game at CenturyLink Field, in the hopes that some drunk asshole Seahawks fans would mess with them. This is in part to help curb bullying behavior that has landed some rival fans in the hospital and in part because police love a good excuse to act like police.