1. Study: Those Snot-Nosed Little Fuckers With Food Allergies Cost Around $4K Per Year

According to a new study in JAMA Pediatrics, in addition to sapping all of their parents' energy and turning them into obsessive compulsives who read the ingredients in everything fifteen times before opening the box, children with food allergies wind up costing their families approximately $4,200 extra a year for special foods, accommodating schools and lost wages for time spent micromanaging teachers, camp councilors, dorm roommates, and department supervisors.

2. Stephen Colbert Wins The Miss America Argument With Two Words

Just when you thought there was nothing more to be said about the unfortunately non-shocking racist Internet response to New York's Nina Davuluri — who, though not snowy-white and blonde, is neither Arab nor a Musilim — becoming the first Indian-American woman to be crowned Miss America this past weekend, Stephen Colbert somehow managed to point out an incredibly obvious irony that mostly everyone else seemed to miss. Referring to all the mouth-breathers who tweeted "Miss America Terrorist", he mused, "705 people saw a woman in a bikini and thought, 'Muslim Extremist.'