1. Mumford & Sons Going On Hiatus From Looking Like Train Conductors While Playing Instruments

The Grammy-winning collection of mustache wax prospectors and unicycle repairmen known as Mumford & Sons announced yesterday that they will be going on indefinite hiatus, presumably to work on inventing some sort of mechanical flying contraption. Fans will just have to content themselfs with gramophone recordings of their musical engagements.

2. Joe Biden's Stressful VP Job Just Too Much For His Extended Family To Handle, Niece Battles Booze And Pill Addiction

Caroline Biden — apparently unable to handle the immense amount of stress that comes with being the daughter of the sibling of the Vice President of the United States — was arrested earlier this week after attempting to punch a New York City police officer and is allegedly struggling with an addiction to alcohol and pills. "The pressure of being Joe Biden’s niece made her totally unravel," a friend explained, presumably straight-faced.

someecards.com - Biden scares me enough that I'd be willing to pay more in taxes to beef up security around Obama

3. Transgender Teen Makes History By Winning Antiquated High School Popularity Contest, Crowned Homecoming Queen

Marina High School in a relatively conservative area of Orange County, California became the first high school to crown a transgender girl as its homecoming queen. After winning the popularity contest, the teary-faced 16-year-old Cassidy Lynn Campbell graciously explained that she selflessly did this not for herself, but for all of us, saying, "I am so proud to win this not just for me, but everyone out there." Just like a good homecoming queen is supposed to. (She had previously posted a video of her daily "Boy to Girl" transformation routine to her YouTube account.)

4. Some Of The New $100 Bills To Actually Be Worth Some Real Money

Before tossing the soon-to-be-released newly-designed $100 bills out your car window with the rest of your worthless junk, you might want to check the serial number. If it's a "fancy" number — like "33333333," "43210987" or "31415927" (pi) — some currency collectors could be willing to buy your bill for something in the neighborhood of $1,000, which today is the worth approximately what $100 was worth a few years ago.

5. Here, You Fat Piece of Shit: McDonald's Testing Chicken And Waffles In California

McDonald's is apparently testing chicken and waffles as a breakfast menu item in one of its Fullerton, California locations. No word yet on whether it will become a morning option nationally so that you can make fun of it to all your friends and then shove it into your face when you're all alone.