1. Prostate Cancer Foundation Doesn't Even Want To Touch Redditors' Disgusting Pile Of Jackoff Money

For a brief period earlier this week, the highest-ranked donation group on the Prostate Cancer Foundation's website was something called Reddit The Fappening. In case you're blissfully unaware, that's a bunch dudes who were directed to the charity website from reddit's r/thefappening page, which catalogues the recent crop of illicitly procured celebrity nude photos. The idea was to alleviate their own guilt by giving to a worthy cause, but to do so in the skeeviest way possible. (Bear in mind that they were always welcome to donate as individuals, but wanted to do it in a manner that would draw attention to the phenomenon.) The PCF has now wisely decided to refund all the money and keep its own hands clean (so to speak).

2. Apple Clears Apple Of Any Fault In iCloud-Hacked Nude Celebrity Photo Scandal

After tens of minutes of carefully inspecting the facts—and averting its eyes from demonstrable evidence to the contrary—Apple has declared that there are no security flaws in its iCloud service that could possibly have led to a bunch of celebrities having personal photos stolen from their accounts. This must come as such a relief to the company.

3. First Superman Comic Book Sells For Super Ridiculous Price

A nearly pristine copy of Action Comics No. 1—the DC comic book featuring the very first appearance the now-iconic Superman character—sold on eBay for a very reasonable $3.2 million. When asked by the Hollywood Reporter how much money the bidders were willing to spend to get the item, one responded, "All I can say is we were determined to buy it."

4. CEO Fired For Kicking Dog, Thus Discovering The One Act Of Pure Evil Corporate Leaders Can't Get Away With

Centerplate CEO Des Hague "resigned"—which is a fancy way of saying "got fired" for rich and/or important people— from his position after surveillance footage of him kicking a puppy spread around the Internet. Apparently, CEOs can only get away with animal cruelty if it results in delicious bacon cheeseburgers

5. Tragedy Strikes As Arizona McDonald's Forced To Paint Its Golden Arches Blue 

Sad news out of Arizona today. A Sedona, AZ McDonald's was forced by city ordinances to disfigure its famous golden arches by re-coloring them turquoise. This is so the fast food restaurant will more easily blend in with its desert surroundings. It does seem to be working actually. Look, you can barely see it here:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)