1. Ariel Castro *Technically* Completes His Life Sentence By Killing Himself


Ariel Castro's prison term was fulfilled 999 years and 11 months earlier than expected when he it was discovered that he had hanged himself in his cell 35 days into his millennium-long sentence for kidnapping, imprisoning and raping three women over the course of ten years. Although Castro was placed in special custody within the correctional facility to protect him from other prisoners, he was not placed on suicide watch to protect him from himself.

2. Senate Is Suspicious About Ground Troops Being Able To Accomplish The Mission In Syria, For Some Odd Reason

Members of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, who seem to maybe not have the most amount of faith ever in Obama's intervention plan for Syria, will vote today on a measure that would allow the President a military strike in the Middle eastern country, but would limit its interminable intractable-ness to just 90 days and would prohibit ground troops.

3. Court Rules N-Word Still Offensive Even If Said By Non-Honkies