1. Giants Pitcher Yusmeiro Petit Throws His 76th Straight Imperfect Game

Yusmeiro Petit came precariously close to ending his flawless 76-game imperfect throwing streak yesterday when — in the ninth inning, with two outs and two strikes, without having allowed a single member of the Arizona Diamondbacks to reach base — the San Francisco Giants' pitcher successfully managed to let pinch-hitter Eric Chavez hit a a line drive to right field that landed just inches from Hunter Pence's glove. Congratulations on keeping the magic going!

someecards.com - I wish I was always in the midst of pitching a no-hitter so it was considered bad luck to sit near me

2. Dennis Rodman Ends His Self-Publicity Trip To North Korea By Calling Obama And Clinton "Assholes"

On his way back from visiting his "friend for life" Kim Jong-il in scenic North Korea, a cigar-smoking, silver-sequined-cap-wearing Dennis Rodman told reporters in Beijing that negotiating the release of imprisoned American Kenneth Bae was "not [his] job," before telling them to "Ask Obama about that. Ask Hillary Clinton about that. Ask those assholes." Lots of people are talking about Rodman, so his trip is being considered a huge success.

3. Aaron Hernandez Pleads Not Guilty To Murder Because, What The Hell, He Might As Well Give That A Shot

Aaron Hernandez appeared in court yesterday and pled "not guilty" to six charges, including one for first-degree murder. The former New England Patriot appears to be using the "Hey, this worked for O.J., what's the worst that can happen?" line of defense. 

4. Obama Succeeds In Uniting Far Left Democrats And Far Right Republicans In Opposition To Him

Barack Obama has achieved what many thought impossible. In his attempt to initiate some sort of military action in Syria, he has inspired a coalition of extreme conservatives and extreme liberals in Congress, who are united in opposition his plan. Reps. Alan Grayson and Ted Yoho, both representing Florida districts, who would ordinarily be attempting to choke the life out of one another on the House floor, are just two of the many legislators from both sides currently working together to crush the President's plans.

5. Sad People Who Make Terrible Life Choices Already In Line For New iPhone That Hasn't Been Announced Yet

As of yesterday afternoon, at least four depressingly-misguided human beings had opted against spending time with loved ones or making substantive changes in their lives in favor of waiting in line in front of the Apple store in Manhattan to buy the new iPhone 5s, which has not yet been announced. The phone, which will feature only minor differences from the current iPhone 5, will likely not be released until next week, or the week after, at which point it will be available everywhere, all the time.