And a few shades of red around the corner of your lip.

Professor Jan Tytgat, a toxicologist in Antwerp, Belgium, got a hankering to see what kinds of pathogens and chemicals were covering our books, so he went to a local lending library and took out the 10 most popular books, plus a few duds for comparison, and brought them to his lab.


Unsurprisingly, the popular tomes had 25 to 40 percent more microscopic organisms like bacteria than the less-borrowed books. That's what the mainstream is: a big soup full of normal people's germs.

Somewhat less unsurprisingly, all 10 of the most popular books tested positive for cocaine. Hahaha whatever, so does every piece of currency on the planet, you say. But how much coke does each book have? Apparently, "enough to get readers of the borrowed book high, yet was significant enough to make them test positive for the drug." So, basically, the worst amount possible. Like anyone's going to believe you when you get fired that you just read a lot of mainstream books.

Even more unsurprisingly, however, 50 Shades Of Grey tested positive for herpes. Before you change your safeword to Valtrex, however, this is not genital herpes. I just wanted to clear that up, unlike herpes, which never does. It's the cold sore virus, and Prof. Tytgat did say that the levels were so low it would be practically impossible to contract, but it does mean that someone probably sneezed on it. Or kissed it. Yeah, they probably kissed it. Someone else probably did more, but they didn't leave any tell-tale herpes. Bottom line: I'm never touching a copy of that. Not when the audiobook is available, anyway. 

Sources: The Daily Mail