Everyone is welcome now.

Many people who attend Mass this Christmas season may be in for a shock. The Pope made headlines this year by making progressive statements about divorce and claiming many of our pets will go to heaven (except, of course, my aunt's Cockatoo that bit my hand when I was 6 years old). The Pope also made a few big changes to the Catholic Mass itself to make it more accessible for today's rapidly-changing world. Here are a few of the changes you can expect:

  • The Eucharist is now gluten-free (and the priest is required to recite the fine print about where the body of Christ came from in case anyone with allergies needs to skip it)
  • The incense has been replaced with "Almond Cookie" scented Yankee Candles.
  • In response to the priest saying "The Lord be with you," instead of saying, "And also with you," the correct response is any of the following: "SHO NUFF!" "BADABING!" "Hey, FUGGABOUDIT!"
  • Instead of someone walking in with a big red book over his head, it's now a Taylor Swift limited edition vinyl.
  • You know about Mortal Sins and Venial Sins, but now there are Techno Sins. Right in between Mortal and Venial but usually related to technology. We can't be judged the same for what sins we commit via text, right? Seems fair.
  • Anyone who eats the body of Christ but doesn't drink the blood is technically Protestant now. Anyone who skips the whole thing altogether is officially Buddhist.