If you are a man, you have gone into a bathroom and seen poop in a urinal. Actual, human poop. And because you have seen that, you have wondered, quite simply and rationally—why? Dear god, why? Luckily, because there is an Internet, there is an AskReddit thread (several, actually) where real-live lunatics who have pooped in urinals offer up their meek explanations for that particularly foul crime against humanity. Here are the unlucky 13 best responses.
1. If your hypothesis for why this happens is "revenge poop," HighAvailability and many others are here to prove you correct.
I worked at a Wendy's when I was 17 and got fired for eating food that people ordered and then left. I hated my manager and feel like he was looking for a reason to fire me at the time as lots of us ate on the job like that.
So about two weeks after getting fired I go back around closing time. The manager at our store typically closed with one other employee who was doing the drive through. It was a 50/50 shot that the manager would be doing the bathroom cleaning while the drive through person covered the last few customers. I waited for one other couple to go in and while they ordered I snuck into the bathroom like solid snake.
Knowing time was precious I ripped down my Dungarees and started shitting in the standup urinal. This backfired almost immediately as the deuce was larger than expected and I had to use the powers of my hetero turd saw to break it off lest it fall free from the urinal.
So I am sitting there bent over like E.Honda in street fighter with 50% of a turd load still inside my intestinal cargo hold. I decide to expunge the rest in the sink. I do a little shuffle over to the sink, the kind of shuffle you do when you run out of toilet paper while shitting and you have to get up to go get some. I prop my ass up on the edge of the sink and give it a good push and this last 50% must have been lubed up (no homo) because it torpedo'd out and missed the sink but hit the hot water handle. I took a deep breath and centered my chakra for one final clearance push, and managed a nice shart that made it look like someone sneezed jello pudding on the sink.
I realize instantly that I did not have anything handy to wipe with. I start doing my patented shuffle to the stall to wipe when I hear the manager yelling back to the drive through person as he came down the hall. So I pull my pants up (sans wipe) and head out the bathroom door. Manager sees me and says "Hey /u/highavailability, missed us did you?" I say something like "whatever" and he heads into the bathroom. I break for the door and hear a "What the fuck!" as I ran off into the night. Fuck that guy and I'm sorry to the poor girl working drive through if she was forced to do it.
This gets better as it was also the same night I got caught by my parents hosing my bare ass in the yard but thats another story.....
2. You will notice that some of these stories seem to be written by professional writers. Nerindil is Reddit's poopy-butt Tolstoy.
I was driving home from a friend's house. He lived about an hour away from me and I was 20 or so minutes into the drive. Now, my friend and I had enjoyed quite a bit of ice cream that night and it should be noted that this was before I found out that I had a particularly hard time digesting dairy.
So, as I was driving, a sudden violent urge overcame me. It wasn't so much that I had to poop, or really needed to poop. No, I had been tersely informed by powers outside of my influence that I was going to poop and the sooner I made peace with that fact the better. I think I broke some laws pulling into the McDonalds parking lot and, doing my best Speed-walking Penguin impersonation, I made my way to the restroom. Eye contact was not made.
As I shouldered into the men's room I was struck by two powerful emotions: terror and rage. The terror was due to a sudden and dramatic shift in my bowels. The shit was on the exit ramp and gunning it. I clenched my poop-chute like a sheep in a Scottish prison and locked every joint in my lower body, forcing me to walk like a very gross mermaid. Rage came from the pair of sneakers peering out from under the stall.
Good reader, I want you to know, I waited as long as I humanly could. Decency and biological imperative waged bloody war over the course of the next four minutes or so in that bathroom. At a certain point my options became clear: a) I could shit my pants, hobble through a crowded Micky D's leaving a brown trail of shame and ruin my car's upholstery. I briefly considered pretending to be retarded as a desperate dignity saving measure. b) I could shit on the floor, leave and never look back. Deciding that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did that, I opted for option "C".
As I cleaned myself with those awful brown paper towels made of what I can only assume to be sharkskin, I swore an oath of bloody vengeance against the owner of this sneakers. He was still sitting there as I walked to my car and drove home, feeling as if I'd lost something.
TL;DR: I lost the Dairy Challenge
3. Others, like Titleistguy, dig up beautiful, repressed memories of swamp butt.
I was around 6 or so at Church, thought it was some sort of new toilet. Never saw one before, so I dropped my pants and hopped in there and took a poo. Never heard anything about it after I did it.
4. And this guy, who probably understands the janitor's anger by now.
5. Fernyer's job has a very bizarre system that accidentally encouraged revenge urinal-defecation.
Ok, so I used to work in a factory where you could "bid" to get better jobs when they would come open. This annoying guy we worked with was the only employee out of hundreds to applied for the alternate janitor job, so it was his for the taking.
Basically he would get to be the janitor whenever the real guy didn't show up, maybe a couple of times a year. The problem was, this guy never shut up about it... EVER. For months all he talked about was how he was the new alternate janitor and I guess he thought he was better than everybody else. We tried to avoid him as much as possible so we wouldn't have to hear about the stupid alternate janitor job. That's all he talked about.
Finally, after about 6 months of bragging, the real janitor calls in sick. And cheese dick spends the whole day walking around the factory pushing his cleaning crap with a shit eating grin on his face. If he wasn't so annoying and braggy we might have been happy for him.
After about the 10th time he walked by with that smile by buddy turns to me and says "This is going to be great." He asks to use the restroom and bolts.
He comes back later and acts like nothing happened. I couldn't get him to tell me what he did. A few minutes later we hear on the loud speaker, "Will the janitor please report to the men's restroom".
You guessed it, my buddy took a dump in the urinal and guess who had to clean it? Mr. Alternate Janitor himself. First and only day as the alternate janitor.
This comment is worth including:
6. Sometimes it's as simple as this, from LLv2:
7. Other times it's as complicated and horrifying as a rubber glove covered in dsteez13's "glorious turd."
in the locker room at the hockey rink, no one can explain why a lot of things happen. i can tell you that after seeing the biggest cohesive log of my life, i felt terrible for the little asian lady janitor that i knew would have to clean it, so i made a toilet paper glove and moved it to the porcelain throne. roller coaster of emotions
edit: thanks for the gold kind fellow fecal fanatic. i never knew such an appropriate time would come for me to share my urinal poop story. to clear things up, it was indeed my own glorious turd.
8. This one's not a urinal story, but Yoinkie2013 lays a revenge poop with the best of them.
When I was in high school living with my parents, I had a neighbor who had three dogs. At least five times a week, that bastard would let his dogs shit on our front yard. We caught him on three seperate occasions, and every time he would make some bullshit excuse. When I caught him, he said he forgot his bag and went back to his house to grab it. We reported him to our H.A but they didn't do shit to help us. Of course, me being the youngest of the house, I had to clean his dogs shits.
I fucking hated that guy and his stupid dogs. They weren't friendly and would bark at us constantly. then one day, my mom, my sister and I got locked out of our house while my dad was at work. My mom and me went over to his house to use his phone to call my dad, and while we were in there I asked to use his bathroom. He didn't have a urinal, but I did shit in the upper deck of his toilet.
I know he knew it was me, and I was probably an asshole for doing it, but I don't care. Justice needed to be served.
9. And here's a kid named NoodleHoarder who learned in kindergarten to never trust a urinal defecator.
It was on my first weeks in kindergarten. By then I was just starting to get over the fact that this world was inhabited by people who had no tittle as 'aunt' or 'dad'; they were even the same size as me. I was told these me-like creatures were called kids, and they were super fun to play with. "But beware of that curly-haired kid, he is not like the others. He will make you cry". I was very curious about this kid, so I went straight to him to ask him to be my friend.
I had to follow him to the restroom, and when I caught up with him I saw him pooping on the urinal. At that time I knew very few things, but the few things I knew were law. I still remember how my world turned upside down when I noticed that you could in fact poop in the urinal. Have I been lied to? Was that urinal different? I needed to test the very nature of the universe I have been living on. So I proceeded to put down my pants and join my new friend on our quest to poop our way into the understanding of the cosmos. It was wonderful. Even when I was still pooping I knew that there was a whole new world to rediscover with my new found understanding that I could do some things I had previously thought that could not be done.
This epiphany was quickly followed by a stroke of shit being wiped on my face. I was startled, and lost my balance falling over my own pile of shit. That day I discovered that while my epiphany still held true, it was no longer exciting to discover the world, as there were still many curly-haired creatures waiting to make you cry.
That was the day I learned that evil takes the form of urinal shitting people.
10. Now this—this, friends—is a disgusting description. Curse you small_but_brave.
11. And this is why you don't let kids go to the bathroom alone.
12. Consider this a PSA from a service member—x2696—who earned your respect with his time in Iraq.
In 2005 I was in Ramadi, Iraq with the USMC. We were on an operation for several days off of our base, in which we were using a soccer stadium as a hub of operation.
In general, my bowels OCONUS were very unpredictable, and on day two of the operation, it was time to do the business. Going number two in full gear is not easy. We were still required to wear helmets, flak jackets and carry our weapons (a M249 SAW, and pistol were mine) so needless to say, it was a bit cumbersome.
When I could resist the urge no more, I found what appeared to be a classic stadium restroom with stalls, sinks, etc. I entered the one of the stalls and was dumbfounded. There, in the middle of the floor was a hole with a porcelain top. Seeing no other alternative, I began to plan out the logistics of my bombing. After dropping trow, and doing some tactical squatting/propping, I commenced to drop one of the longest solid turds of my life in this hole. Sweet relief. I mopped the sweat from my brow, wiped, dropped the paper, redressed and looked down to find......My turd and toilet paper sticking out of the hole.
Upon closer inspection the hole was only about 3 inches deep. Seeing no device to make this thing flush, or have the bottom drop out, I reluctantly charged it to the game and left.
As I left the stall and stood in the area near the sinks, three Iraqi soldiers came in to use the bathroom. One went in the one that I had just exited. He immediately began to horse laugh, and call his two compadres in for a viewing of the monster.
I speak zero arabic but I found out through some context clues, it was a urinal
TL;DR Iraq has weird toilets