"We got Jared with a ball, Jared with his old pants, Jared eating a sub." (via Getty)

Hey, is this Pete? From Subway corporate headquarters? Yeah, it's me, Donny, the guy in charge of promotional materials for Subway... No, yeah, I heard the news—That's actually why I'm calling you. Look, I don't really know how to say this, but I have 9000 cardboard cutouts of Jared and I have absolutely no idea what to do with them.


What do you mean, "Why did I order them?"...Yes, I know we haven't had a Jared advertisement in years, but you guys said we were thinking of bringing the whole Jared thing back at our meeting last month. I wanted to be prepared.

Okay, I'll admit that I jumped the gun, but that's not the point, the point is that I spent almost our entire annual operating budget on Jared cutouts and we gotta figure out what we're gonna do with them...Look, maybe we're freaking out for no reason. I mean, he technically hasn't been charged with anything. Maybe this will be one of those cautionary tales about mob mentality, and Jared will be championed as an innocent martyr who got caught up with the wrong crowd.

No yeah, you're right, that is stupid. Whether he did it or not, no one's gonna want him watching them while they eat their sandwiches anymore. I don't blame 'em. I feel like the cutouts are watching me right now as we speak. And the motion-activated catchphrases? Sheesh, those are giving me the creeps.