BE AT A BAR PAST MIDNIGHT

Advertising

It appears my body has a stricter curfew than the city of Boston. No matter how much I prepare for an evening out on the town, it is guaranteed to end the same way. Even if I take a three hour nap at 4:00pm followed by a Red Bull, I still need to be in by midnight like a bearded version of Cinderella. Part of the problem is that I can't get drunk and stay drunk. I catch a buzz from my second drink, and it's all downhill from there. I find myself getting full. FULL! What kind of garbage is that? I'm now a person who consistently gets too full in my little tummy to be able to keep drinking and enjoy the night. Despicable.

ENJOY LOOKING AT TWENTY-ONE YEAR OLD GIRLS

I am not talking about dating, sleeping with, or any other sort of physical contact. That ship sailed a long time ago. I have accepted that. I'm OK with that. What I'm talking about is looking. Looking at of-age women getting legally drunk in scantly clad outfits. It does nothing for me. Sounds good on paper, right? In reality, all I see are children playing dress up and sneaking into a bar. I think the heart of the problem is that I have no real life concept of what a twenty-one-year-old looks like. I've been lied to by Hollywood actresses in their late twenties who play characters in their early twenties. It has warped my world view. I also blame pornography. Those girls weren't barely legal, they were thirty year olds with pig tails. You betrayed me, Pornography, you betrayed me.

Advertising