If I wasn't already onboard the Team USA World Cup bandwagon, I would've booked a seat this morning after learning that America's sudden interest in soccer is making Ann Coulter angry. I don't even like the game that much, but knowing that Americans liking soccer has made the long list of things that Ann has a problem with, I feel like painting my face, biting my own shoulder and flopping on my couch while chanting "USA!"
The blonde bomb threat wrote an article for the Clarion-Ledger (next to an image of her that should be nominated for a Golden Brush at the next Photoshop Awards) in which she claims that “Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay.”
Which explains why a team of Americans performing well on the world stage has pushed Ann to the point of Googling “Americans+Hate+Soccer” and trotting out the same arguments that people have been making about the sport for years.
But Ann's not a sports writer, she's a button pusher. And that button is attached to a machine that spews out bizarre, hate-filled rants about liberals, the New York Times and foreigners, so she also wrote things like this:
• "The same people trying to push soccer on Americans are the ones demanding that we love HBO's "Girls," light-rail, Beyoncé and Hillary Clinton."
• "The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport. Most sports are sublimated warfare."
• "Soccer is like the metric system, which liberals also adore because it's European."
• "If more "Americans" are watching soccer today, it's only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy's 1965 immigration law. I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time."
Ann says that she’s been holding her tongue about soccer for a decade “so as not to offend anyone,” which is kind of funny, considering that she’s made a career out of offending anyone without the belief system of a WWII-era cartoon character.
(by Jonathan Corbett)