Originally published April 10, 2012.
10. The guy who's "really feelin' it, man." At a festival with hundreds of thousands of people, he's somehow found the only patch of grass with 40 open yards of interpretive dance space in every direction. It might have something to do with the fact that there's not even any music playing right now. But don't tell him that. You wouldn't want anyone to see you talking to him.
9. The three little high-school dickbags still trying to make mosh pits happen. This stubborn handful of 16-year-old walking disciplinary problems lives in a state of constant rage thanks to an acute combination of missing out on the music career of Korn and never having seen boobs. They live to irritate everyone around them to the point of rioting, and won't let a slow song stop them from randomly elbowing you in the back of the head.
8. People with kids. Don't get us wrong: a loud, drug-fueled, overcrowded, clothing-optional sex-carnival of irresponsibility is a great place to bring a baby. If you want it to grow up in a foster home. But don't let us tell you how to raise your kid, Alicia Silverstone. We're just simple, old-fashioned people who don't regurgitate in babies' mouths.
7. Girls in leggings. We can only imagine what kind of swamp-ass nightmare is festering beneath that Spandex cameltoe. Let's get this straight: Which bygone era that you're too young to remember are you futilely attempting to resurrect here, the '60s or the '80s? Because you can't have both. You can't have either, but you especially can't have both.
6. Guys(?) in unitards - Everything we just said goes double for this creature.