Teens. They're threatening to tear apart the very fabric of our society, and as parents, we're helpless to stop them. Or are we? Yes, we are. But that's no reason to panic. It's reason to freak the f**k out. This week in Alarming Teen Trends, we examine three trends that may or may not exist—not that that makes them any less frightening.
Snail Poopin'. Out-of-control teens with no respect for authority are snail-mailing poop to their teachers and school administrators.
What brought it to our attention:
Late last month, a teen at Stephen Decatur High School in Worcester, Maryland sent Vice Principal Mark Flynn a package containing cow or dog poop. Just in case his point wasn't clear enough, the kid dropped off two more packages of poop for Flynn later in the week.
The postal inspector noted the sender's license plate, and police tracked the teen to his home, where he confessed to the crime. The student was arrested for disturbing school activities, molesting a school administrator, and underage possession of alcohol (his car was full of the stuff). He was also suspended from school for 10 days, which he will no doubt spend playing more of the poop-mailing video games that inspired this incident in the first place.
Where this will be happening next week: Everywhere.
Silver lining: The U.S. Postal Service can use the business.
Threat to Society Level: 5/10. Teens have been putting poop in flaming bags on doorsteps for years. Using the mail to spread poop is just another way of achieving the same end result. We should really get worried when they figure out how to send poop via smartphone.