The first official belly rub.

The former editor of the now-defunct, then-sleazy tabloid News of the World testified in court this week that he repeatedly hacked into Kate Middleton’s phone. Clive Goodman admitted to being a royal pain in the ass who secretly recorded the future princess over 150 times as she spoke with Prince William, Prince Harry and others. Happyleaks, the division of Happy Place that usually deals with forged kid’s notes and staged prank videos, has obtained an exclusive copy of what we believe are totally illegitimate transcripts of several of those conversations that began in 2005, as Kate’s relationship with Prince William became serious.

March 2005.

Kate Middleton: Hello, your royal highness.

Prince William: (laughs) Don’t you think that’s a little formal at this point? Please, call me Prince William.

KM: Okay. How are you?

PW: I’m the fucking Prince. Listen, I was wondering if you’d like to accompany me to my father’s upcoming wedding.

KM: That sounds wonderful. What on earth will I wear?

PW: Put it this way; nothing you currently own. Don’t worry, I’ll send someone by on Saturday to take care of that. They’ll also teach you how to fake smile and wave like a marionette.