TIP FOR WRITERS: you are allowed to enjoy the movie you're watching— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) December 20, 2016
My "fear of missing out" is nowhere near as strong as my "fear of not staying in."— Jessie (@NicCageMatch) December 17, 2016
when u walk outside but ur uber's not there yet pic.twitter.com/E1MpHEfGUp— STUMPY 🏄🏼♀️ (@Hoetus) December 16, 2016
Donald Trump probably calls 2% milk "landslide milk."— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) December 20, 2016
Being relieved that 2016 is over and excited for 2017 is like being excited that a bomb has been planted but hasn't gone off yet— Orli Matlow (@HireMeImFunny) December 19, 2016
Hope I see someone get attacked by a bird today I could really use it— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) December 20, 2016
Woman: "I spent 10 years developing my views on gender."— jamilah (@JamilahLemieux) December 19, 2016
Man: "I saw a YouTube video."
Man: "Since I'm right, you wont debate me."
Hey, are you about to leave your house? Stop. Turn around. Put on 1-4 more layers of clothing.— april lavalle (@imatoofbrush) December 15, 2016
The dog I've been crushing on is still on petfinder and I can't stop daydreaming about us— Natalie Shure (@nataliesurely) December 18, 2016
why is it that every time I go on an adorable miniature golf date somebody ends up in a shallow fake pond with a finger up their bum— Bez (@Bez) December 17, 2016
"reveal all your secrets in one long deluge, leave no feeling or thought undisclosed, then laugh at the end" - my TED talk on how 2 flirt— monica heisey (@monicaheisey) December 18, 2016
people subtweet me ALL the time. things like "beyonce is a goddess" or "i love christmas" but they are talking about me— Dee (@figgled) December 20, 2016
when the lyrics are gross but the beat is hot pic.twitter.com/Hp2rqQNrlo— Franchesca Ramsey (@chescaleigh) December 20, 2016
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle— government TANKS (@Burger_Time_) December 17, 2016
This past year has exposed me to so many strains of depression i'm surprised i haven't developed total immunity— dr. dalia fuckface ☥ (@DALIAMALEK) December 19, 2016
in my 30s i'm just now learning that you can leave a party w/out saying goodbye to every single person u spoke to in fact they prefer it— may wilkerson (@shutupmay) December 16, 2016
Few things make me more instantly terrified than someone saying, "I'm a hugger."— kel (@ohheyohhihello) December 18, 2016
i got gaslighted and all i got was this stupid t shirt that he keeps telling me is a pair of pants— Kerry O'Neill (@iamkerryoneill) December 18, 2016
*discovering flying dinosaur*— Noël Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) December 14, 2016
PALEONTOLOGIST: We'll call it pterodactyl, for "wing fingers"
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Mitt Romney has hair like a cartoon villain and yet if he became president somehow I'd be celebrating in the street as if Hillary won.— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) December 17, 2016
(immediately before sex)— mary houlihan (@maryhoulie) December 17, 2016
*clapping hands, smiling wide* all right!! all i need to get started is a suggestion of anything at all !!!
sucks that id have to die in order to find out if this dude likes me enough to go to my funeral— rap game glenna (@glenna_opt) December 20, 2016
SEND A UBER FOR ME OR THE DICK APPOINTMENT IS CANCELLED 2017— 🌹Muva moon 🌙 (@_zolarmoon) December 19, 2016
these days you have to explain why you ARE doing fine— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) December 20, 2016