Jokes about sex, the Bachelor, depression, and more, in the 25 funniest tweets by women this week!
My favorite game is to put my music on shuffle and skip every song until I get to the one I want to hear— Orli Matlow (@HireMeImFunny) January 15, 2017
Me: Arguing with people online is useless, I'm not doing it anymore— maura quint (@behindyourback) January 16, 2017
Me typing after a drink: The problem with your whole line of thought is
Coming out of depression feels like a weird drug hangover.— Stevie Ryan (@StevieRyan) January 17, 2017
going to get into some rly *freaky shit this year— Ayesha A. Siddiqi (@AyeshaASiddiqi) January 17, 2017
*accept a hug without every single muscle in my body tensing up
I love Cookie Crisp because there is no better start to the day than eating 80 tiny cookies.— april lavalle (@imatoofbrush) January 11, 2017
Nobody should be this proud of taking a shower but I'm gonna run with it— jenny slate (@jennyslate) January 17, 2017
Most people wouldn't hurt a fly; they'd subtly one-up the fly in conversation until it died on the spot from emotional exhaustion.— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) January 16, 2017
These Jeff Sessions are nowhere near as good as the Peel ones.— Jessie (@NicCageMatch) January 10, 2017
the bachelor: will you accept this rose— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) January 17, 2017
me: ok. will you accept this bag of peas I have been carrying around for no reason for several years
Men: the state shouldn't subsidize birth control— eve peyser (@evepeyser) January 13, 2017
Also men: abortion should be illegal
ALSO men: Wanna fuck?
if they repeal the affordable care act I'm claiming the entire senate as dependents on my taxes— Bez (@Bez) January 13, 2017
Can't help thinkin I'd be a much better couch than a person— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) January 14, 2017
A reverse Bachelor where 30 women find themselves trapped with one awful man and each week one wins the right to go home— Erin 🎶Gloria🎶 Ryan (@morninggloria) January 17, 2017
SUNDAY— may wilkerson (@shutupmay) January 15, 2017
12 pm: can't wait to live life today!
1 50 pm: i'll take a quick nap
5 50 pm: HOW CAN I LEAVE BED
I AM BED
6 pm - 2 am: panic
boys won't reply for 6 hours and be talking about "I was in practice" boy when I go to your games you don't play like someone who practices— mina🍯 (@minamahgoub) January 14, 2017
Writing is the perfect combination of my two favorite habits, sitting and hating myself.— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) January 10, 2017
I always read trump tweets in the voice of a 16 year old preppy white girl. she wants to be prom queen, and will stop at nothing to get it.— quinta b. (@quintabrunson) January 12, 2017
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) January 14, 2014
Quickly googles:— Marin (@marinhubka) January 16, 2017
where is "playlists"?
how to become citizen of "playlists"? pic.twitter.com/qo2HYbGKJ5
u ever make something & refuse 2 stop messing w it cuz ur like "its not perfect yet" but itll never b perfect enough so u cry & get diarrhea— DQN vol. 8 (@kittaveli) January 16, 2017
Little girl on the tube: Mum?— Miranda Keeling (@MirandaKeeling) January 15, 2017
Her mum: Yes?
Little girl: What's your favourite dinosaur?
Little girl: (nods) Fair enough.
Just passed a place called Vision Dental and I think they can solve either all or none of my problems.— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) January 14, 2017
Every time I go out, I leave the Food Network on for my ham sandwich so he doesn't think he's alone.— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) January 15, 2017
friend: I heard you're happy!— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) January 11, 2017
me: fake news
Every person you've ever loved finds a little place in your heart forever. Ruining everything. Way to go jerks.— Alicia Tobin (@AliciaATobin) January 15, 2017