Upworthy is the worst site on the Internet. Their mission statement is smug, backpatting, faux-activist horseshit. Their headlines are the purest, crack-cocaine of clickbait. And when you do click, the content they've dredged up from YouTube never, ever pays off.
CEO Eli Pariser told The Atlantic that critics of the Upworthy model are "snarky New Yorkers who see [our headlines] too many times in their feed." Nope, we just don't like being lured to click on stuff by deceptive hyperbolic declarations claiming complex issues can be addressed (and occasionally resolved) in a two minute YouTube clip. Also, we keep being promised our jaws will drop, but they never do.
To keep you from experiencing that disappointed, "Ew, I just clicked on an Upworthy link" feeling, we click on five of the links all your Facebook friends will be sharing each week so you don't have to. Spoilers for each headline below.