5. A judge released footage of Justin Bieber peeing in a cup because...justice? Bowing to pressure from journalists, a judge in Miami-Dade County agreed to make public a video of Bieber taking a drug test, as long as Bieber's penis was blacked out. To be on the safe side, the censors went with a giant black box that makes this video not only bizarrely invasive but also completely pointless. If we're going to release video of celebrity penises, let's at least blur them so there's room for cruel public speculation about size and shape. This is still America, isn't it?! So why was this video released? It seems the only answer is to shrug and say "Florida."
4. An elderly man was declared dead. He woke up in a body bag. 78-year-old Walter Williams of Mississippi was pronounced dead at his home after a coroner could not find a pulse. The next day, embalmers at a local funeral home were preparing to do their thing, when an employee noticed the body bag was moving. Williams was discovered alive and literally kicking to get out (yet another reason I have no interest in working in a funeral home). The coroner believes Williams's pacemaker stopped working and then started up again. Let's all just be happy for this man's family and not think too hard about the almost invisible line between life and death, shall we?