If you're looking for trouble, don't bother. He took all of it. (Via ABC)

Hey, wanna have the craziest night of your life? Head on over to Colorado State University. They had a great Halloween party where one of the students partied too hard and started having seizures. While the paramedics were inside taking care of the patient, fellow intoxicated student Stefan Sortland took their ambulance on a joyride.

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ABC 7 reports:

"The ambulance had a GPS system on board [and] was tracked to Loveland. Loveland police officers said they found the ambulance in the middle of Highway 34 with several doors open, heavy front-end damage and fluid leaking. One officer said it appeared the driver of the ambulance had hit the raised median, jumped the curb, hit a sign, went the wrong way and crossed back over the median before stopping."

Where was Sortland? About 30 yards away, wearing an EMT vest, hanging out with a blanket and a box of Wheat Thins, and totally high on molly and cocaine. He admitted he had been the one joyriding in the emergency vehicle, although he claimed not to understand why the lights were flashing.

The next stop on his drugged-up cool-kid tour was the Loveland police department, where it was noted in the police report that he "stood on a bench, kicked the wall, and masturbated."

Is that like one of those rub your belly and pat your head tests? 

Then, Sortland casually told police officers that his friends had committed suicide. When the officers checked on those friends, they found them to be fine, and one of the friends ratted on him and informed the police that Sortland had been kicked out of a concert earlier that night. 

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Sources: h/t Deadspin | ABC 7