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    Thanks to the nurses who treated me after I awkwardly tried to reenact the sex scenes in Fifty Shades of Grey.

    Thanks to the nurses who treated me after I awkwardly tried to reenact the sex scenes in Fifty Shades of Grey.

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    Happy Nurses Week to someone who has seen more penises than a prostitute.

    Happy Nurses Week to someone who has seen more penises than a prostitute.

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    Happy Nurses Week to someone whose first-rate medical advice almost makes me feel like I have health benefits.

    Happy Nurses Week to someone whose first-rate medical advice almost makes me feel like I have health benefits

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    Let's thank nurses for making sure we never have to change our parents' diapers.

    Let's thank nurses for making sure we never have to change our parents' diapers.

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    I propose a toast to all the ER nurses over the years who've pumped our stomachs.

    I propose a toast to all the ER nurses over the years who've pumped our stomachs.

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    Happy Nurses Week from someone who gets squeamish looking at a paper cut from four feet away.

    Happy Nurses Week from someone who gets squeamish looking at a paper cut from four feet away

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    The fact that you're not a nurse shouldn't stop you from wearing a nurse's uniform at some point tonight.

    The fact that you're not a nurse shouldn't stop you from wearing a nurse's uniform at some point tonight

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    Here's to all the ER nurses who convinced me I'm not dying after medical Web sites convinced me I was.

    Here's to all the ER nurses who convinced me I'm not dying after medical Web sites convinced me I was.

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    Happy Nurses Week to someone I hope to someday credit with introducing me to my rich doctor husband.

    Happy Nurses Week to someone I hope to someday credit with introducing me to my rich doctor husband

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    Let's celebrate Nurses Week by getting high on stolen painkillers.

    Let's celebrate Nurses Week by getting high on stolen painkillers

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    It would be worth getting deathly ill to get a sponge bath from you.

    It would be worth getting deathly ill to get a sponge bath from you

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