Filed by Shira Danan | Jul 09, 2015 @ 3:23pm
NO NO DON'T DO THAT DANAN
address: The Building With The Elevator
phone: In Mouth
Objective: To bang objects on the floor until the downstairs neighbors have us evicted.
- Infant's Degree, University of Moo Baa La La La - magna cum laude
Senior Thesis: "Putting Things In My Mouth: A Theory Of Exploration"
- English (some, spoken)
- Yelling (proficient)
- Associate Waver (8 months—current): Employed by parents for the purposes of waving to people, things as they go bye-bye. Correctly identified when I needed to actually wave and when I could get away with staring stonily into space.
- Assistant Teether (7 months—current): Maximized drool levels while locating and destroying important items with my frighteningly strong jaws. Successfully balanced moaning inconsolably with acting perfectly normal so parents could never definitively say if it was teething or something else.
- Night Watchman (0 months—current): Ensured home security by raising alarm at all hours of the night. Maintained high alertness level in household by conducting regular drills, even months after my parents claimed other babies were lazily sleeping through the night.
- Stunts Intern (4 months—current): Fearlessly flipped self over, smashed head into corners of tables, lunged backward toward hard earth, swallowed mystery objects off floor, and leapt from mother's arms into bathtub as if I seriously had no inkling of my own mortality.
- Self-Employed Public Relations Representative (0 months—current): Ensured public image remained associated with terms "cute," "cuddly," and "fun," even while waging a 12-month campaign of ruthless destruction, including that time I pooped on the floor and played with it.
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