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    My cat has better manners than my friends.

    My cat has better manners than my friends.

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    In the event of a divorce you can keep the house, car, kids, and all our friends if I can keep the dog.

    In the event of a divorce you can keep the house, car, kids, and all our friends if I can keep the dog.

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    The best part of owning a dog is getting to leave places to go walk it.

    The best part of owning a dog is getting to leave places to go walk it.

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    Having a dog is my favorite way to avoid the responsibility of having children.

    Having a dog is my favorite way to avoid the responsibility of having children.

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    I've come to terms with the fact that my cat will never be Internet famous.

    I've come to terms with the fact that my cat will never be Internet famous.

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    If you're uncomfortable around my dog, I'm happy to lock you in the other room when you come over.

    If you're uncomfortable around my dog, I'm happy to lock you in the other room when you come over.

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    I feel terrible getting my cat fixed and relegating it to the same sexless existence as me.

    I feel terrible getting my cat fixed and relegating it to the same sexless existence as me.

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    My cat's absurdly reckless behavior helps me feel less ashamed of my own.

    My cat's absurdly reckless behavior helps me feel less ashamed of my own.

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    I can always count on my dog to make me feel better about a bad hair day.

    I can always count on my dog to make me feel better about a bad hair day.

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    Having a pet is the reason I only spend 97% of the day thinking about myself.

    Having a pet is the reason I only spend 97% of the day thinking about myself.

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    I'd be way more productive if my cat let me work for more than five minutes before sitting on my keyboard.

    I'd be way more productive if my cat let me work for more than five minutes before sitting on my keyboard.

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    Let's adopt a dog for you to take care of.

    Let's adopt a dog for you to take care of.

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    I pray my dog never finds out how much more popular cats are on the Internet.

    I pray my dog never finds out how much more popular cats are on the Internet.

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    I bet my dog would be my least annoying Facebook friend.

    I bet my dog would be my least annoying Facebook friend.

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    I feel guiltier leaving my dog at home than I do leaving my spouse.

    I feel guiltier leaving my dog at home than I do leaving my spouse.

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    My puppy's attention span is almost as tragically short as mine.

    My puppy's attention span is almost as tragically short as mine.

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    Be grateful your dog loves you despite its amazing sense of smell.

    Be grateful your dog loves you despite its amazing sense of smell.

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    Sorry our dog isn't capable of hiding how much more it likes me than you.

    Sorry our dog isn't capable of hiding how much more it likes me than you.

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    I need a vacation from my vacation spent worrying about my dog in the kennel.

    I need a vacation from my vacation spent worrying about my dog in the kennel.

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