There's no stronger sunscreen than sitting in a bar.
My favorite thing about summer is having a valid excuse for my excessive sweating.
Just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now.
No amount of tanning will ever change how hopelessly white you are.
I heard you go down even faster than Facebook stock.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas.
Have a joyous time celebrating the day your face rubbed your mother's vagina.
Let's stay on lunch break until our boss sends out a search party.
I work well with others when they leave me the fuck alone.
I love you like a pig loves not being bacon.
Summer has snuck up once again on me and my giant ass.
My entire goal in life is to show my friends who are not single how awesome being single is.
From the first time I saw you I knew I was going to have real and/or imaginary sex with you.
I can't think of anyone I'd rather be in a dysfunctional relationship with.
I just want you to know that Amish you.
May you live long enough to shit yourself.
If I was your coworker, I'd sexually harass you.
I'd ask you to go fuck yourself, but you'd probably just delegate that to me too.
We're total fucking bad asses.
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